Relationships

June 4, 2015 by feyma

Married At First Sight; TV show in the US!

We are watching a new show right now that got me intrigued. The name of the show is “Married At First Sight”. It is really an interesting show for us anyway. For me it’s kind of similar to the way we got married, but the good thing for ours, at least we did know the name of the person we are writing with. At that time no internet yet, at least we are writing letters a few times a month, some even for years. Now with the internet, meeting someone through chatting. Then email, then talk through skype or any other kind of social media communication, then meet up in person later, then it develops from there.

Well, on the TV show (Married at first sight), the couple will not know the name or see the person they’re about to marry. It’s really like a blind date (I mean blind marriage. Lol). You will meet the person you’re about to marry at the wedding ceremony. The family of the bride-to be will meet the groom first while the groom waits for his bride in the altar. The anticipation is a killer. Even us watching we are also a bit tense waiting for the couple if they will be liking each other seeing one another for the first time. Really it’s kind of intense.

On the show they had 3 couples who were selected by the experts of psychologist, sexologist, spiritual adviser and a sociologist. Those participants had to undergo a lot of questions and answers, one on one interview, and also a home visit from the expert to check the house. Bob and I, we’ve been shocked that the expert that will visit the house she really checked out inside the closets and also what’s inside the refrigerator. Wow, that’s really thorough checking. LOL. I guess to sign up for that show you have to clean up every corner of your house. Ha ha ha, they will find out later if the person is messy anyway.

We just got done watching the first season. First they had to be married for 5 weeks. Then the experts will question the couple if they still want to be married or get divorced after 5 weeks. Then the couple will be filmed for 6 moths of how they lived their lives. Then the one year anniversary of wedding. Out of the 3 matched couple, 2 were successful so far. The one that was divorced, it’s a bit shocking to see them go their separate ways, because they’re the one that were so at ease with each other after seeing for the first time and during the first few days. Just watching the couple, they seem like they hit it off. It just sad that it didn’t work out good for them.

For one of the couples, the bride was just crying because she’s just not attracted with her groom. But she married her anyway, her family told her to give it some time. She’s lucky to have that guy, because he has been patient with her. The bride really had problems growing up. It’s not small stuff. The groom was just there to help her and try to encourage her to do what she felt like doing in her own time. They stayed together after 5 weeks. Then she feel in love with her husband. Then during 6 months to 1 year, she’s even talking about having babies with her hubby. The husband, he is just not ready that time.

The other couple they’re also good. They hit it off good. You can see the attraction between the 2 of them by just watching them. It’s just sad that the family of the bride didn’t accept that kind of marriage so they did not attend the wedding. The mom of the groom did not attend the wedding either. Her reasoned was valid though, she was in chemo during the time of the wedding. She’s just too weak to attend. Few weeks after the wedding the mom of the groom died.

Honestly, I’m hoping for the success of each of the marriages on that show. It would be a good story to tell to their kids, grand-kids and to their offspring later. For me in every relationship both parties has to work hard on nurturing it. We’ve known people that married their childhood sweetheart but later they still get separated/divorced. Some people married and they’ve known each other for ages and still go their separate ways. I’ve known a few in our neighboring town, the husband and wife were arranged by their parents to be married, they just met in the church during the wedding and almost 40 years later they’re still together.

If you’ve seen the show, let me know what you think? For those that didn’t see the show, try to see it. Feel free to drop a note here.

A few good quotes that I saw on the net:

“Make your marriage Your Own. Don’t look at other marriages and wish you had something else. WORK to shape your marriage so that it is satisfying for both of you.”

“Don’t worry when I fight with you, worry when I stop because it means there’s nothing for us left to fight for.”

MABUHAY!!!

May 21, 2015 by feyma

Dear Feyma: Needs advice on cheating husband!

Dear Feyma - Got a Problem? Ask Feyma! — Dear Feyma – Got a Problem? Ask Feyma!

Hi readers I got this email from a reader on my other blog. She emailed me privately and asking some advice for her niece’s problem. To be honest I just don’t know what to tell her. I am asking you guys’ advice on what to tell her. I’ve seen and heard too many stories of cheating spouses. I want you guys’ input to what I should advise and tell this lady on what to do. Some of the words in the emails were written in Tagalog. I tried to interpret in English as good and as accurate as possible.

Dear Feyma, I’m a reader of some of your blog. You don’t know me. But I will introduce my self. My name is Mindy. My family lives in Northern Luzon. I am an OFW in Kuwait. I am writing and needing advice for my niece. She lives there in the Philippines. She has been married to her husband for over 5 years now. They had a baby last year. Her husband is a seaman. He travels abroad, works on a ship.

My niece was shocked when her husband came home last March 2015. He didn’t give any money to my niece. He told my niece that he wants to separate. My niece asked him to just stay for their daughter’s sake. The husband don’t want to be married anymore. My niece told me that when her husband started going abroad his family said bad things about my niece. Her husband got help in going abroad financially from the parents of my niece. When my niece give birth to her baby the Papa & Mama of my niece paid the hospital and other bills, until now the husband did not pay them. After the husband went abroad many times, they bought house and car. My niece wants to sell the house and car and all the other properties now that he wants to separate. The husband told my niece that she won’t get anything. He even get all the jewelries and electronics gadgets that he gave to my niece.

It turns out now that the husband is having a relationship with the working student that was helping my niece while she was pregnant. That working student was sent by the parents of the husband. My niece found out the relationship when she accidentally open the private email of the husband because they share a laptop. The husband forget to log out. My niece saw all the emails. He denied but my niece showed him the email. He still denies. The husband abandoned the baby now.

My niece was just so shocked that she doesn’t know what to do. What should my niece do? Salamat sa payo (advice). I will just wait for your reply. Sincerely, Mindy.

Honestly I’ve been hearing too many stories like this. It even happened to our neighbor before it’s the lady that works abroad, similar situation the lady went abroad to work in the Middle East. When she gets home the husband already had someone on the side, so they separate went back abroad and later the lady end up marrying an OFW that she met there in the Middle East. Others too, the lady who works abroad found someone there (abroad) and later the lady will separate to the husband here and she moves in later to her lover abroad.

Too many stories that probably you hear or it happens to someone you know. I want to hear what would you guys advice if it happens to someone you know? I will pass you guys message to Mindy.

I really appreciate any advice given to Mindy or to those readers that were just shy to share here.

January 8, 2015 by feyma

Dear Feyma: Feeling sorry!

Today, I have another installment in my “Dear Feyma” series which I have been featuring on this site for some time, whenever I have a question from a reader that I feel should be shared with the site readers.

“Dear Feyma, I am Filipina who works in Kuwait for a long time. I came home in the Philippines for 3 months now. I am not sure if I will go back soon. I am thinking of taking care of my 2 kids and want to start a business here. I saved some money for our future. I will help my husband on our small farm.

By the way, I am not writing regarding my problem. I want to share with you of how stupid or no nothing at all (walang kaalam-alam in Tagalog), I saw on TV, they said naive. I saw that you wrote about “A Friendly Advice“. I don’t comment, I’m just an avid reader of your blog. Keep up of what your doing.

The young girl, our neighbor she’s like 20 years old, having a relationship with foreigner. For me, okay lang. I am bothered when the lady takes all the money of the foreigner and spends it for partying and clothes. The foreigner told one of the family member that he don’t have much money, but the lady don’t listen, she continue her partying. Being young so she party and spend the money with not important things.

I read I think from your blog a long time already about foreigners problems with girlfriends here in Pinas? You know, if they know already problems like that happened before why they still give money to the girl?

I hope that foreigners open their eyes. Thank you for reading my email… Maraming Salamat, Elly“

Dear Feyma…

Thank you for writing Elly. To be honest, what you’ve described on your email keeps happening. The problem, the foreigners, no matter how good any blogs in the world were written about be very careful not to be scammed. Some foreigners will never listen, some won’t. We’ve been advising people that emailed and asked us and we even made lots of posts regarding that same topics. They will do what they thought was best for them. Later we found out that they’ve lost almost all their money. Really the best thing for those people would be for them to learn their lesson the hard way. It might be harsh for me to say this. Let them lose all what they have for them to learn. You know what I mean?

Hey, we’ve been advising certain foreigners that we cared about. It’s just a waste, they will say what the lady did to us and at the end he was against us because we said what we think. So for you Elly, if the foreigner wants an advice from you, try not to say anything to him at the end he might blame you because of the advice you gave him. Been there, done that. Been burnt. Not again…

That’s another cycle for the foreigner that’s hard to break. I just hope to some foreigners that they will just accept the loss and move on. Don’t be drinking and be violent here. Being in jail is the last thing a foreigner wants here. I’ve seen the jailhouse in the Philippines: Ain’t pretty you guys.

Thank you again Elly for the email. You open my Dear Feyma again. I appreciate your courage to write. If you ever travel to Kuwait again, have a safe trip there. Good luck to you!

Have a blessed 2015 Everyone!!!

December 4, 2014 by feyma

Are you willing to compromise?

I am writing and asking you guys that live in a house with multi-culture environment, are both partners willing to give and take or learn from each other? I am going to give more about Bob and I as an example. When Bob and I were writing to each other, before we were married, I was so shy and naive. Hey I was young, a few months shy of graduating college. I was brought up with conservative parents in a more old fashion way. Bob, on the other hand was brought up conservative way but was brought up that he can and will say what he thinks. In short not shy at all.

Well anyway, after few months after we were married I went to the States. Being there changed everything. Bob showed and taught me how to live the life there. It didn’t take long for me to learn his side of the culture. I mean not all, I’m still learning more and more everyday even now. When I went to the States I don’t know how to cook. Being the youngest of 10 siblings (7 are alive right now) and with so many cousins and with my aunt that spoiled me. They did almost all the cooking. So I don’t really know how to cook Filipino dishes. I don’t think it’s laziness because I really like to help out in the kitchen before. I think it was just too many kids in the kitchen and it just a bother to the older one that’s cooking.

Martin Family – Thanksgiving 2014

So living with Bob in the US, he did most of the cooking I mean 80% I think. I am just a good helper, I will helped out on the cleaning afterwards. Then whenever my mother-in-law cooks for the special occasions, same thing I will help a little on the cooking but helped out most on the cleaning afterwards. I could not even cook macaroni and cheese in the US even if the instruction were in the box. I know it’s kind of pathetic don’t you think? But that’s just the way it was for us. Bob really had patience on that. Hats off to him on that. He even cooked Filipino dishes there. Bob was also learning and still learning more of my culture. Same with me I did learned the American culture and knowing his family and still doing it.

But when moving here it changes everything then. Watching Bob sweat to high heaven when cooking, I was thinking I had to do something. I felt sorry watching him sweat so much. So I really learned and studied on how to cook American dishes that he is used to when we were in the States. Guess what? I learned and cooked until now. Now Bob and the kids are kind of spoiled though. They will tell me and my niece what they like and we usually cook it for them. Jean is good now in cooking foreign dishes too. Really all of us are learning. Living back here for a long time now taught Bob more of the Filipino culture. He learned how to speak the local language. It shows that he really tried his best to fit in here. I’m really so proud of him for that.

Anyway, I think being married no matter if its the same race you had to adjust with the other person in your life. How much more if two cultures blend into one. With two culture you have to work double hard, or more. Are you willing to adjust and compromise with the other person in your life? With Bob and I, no questions asked. We did and we did compromise and are still doing it until the end. With us, lots of things we both decide, minor stuff one of us will decide. We’re almost on our 25th year of marriage and let me tell you it’s not an easy ride. Rough rides along the way. Good and bad through the years. But we talk, we understand and we compromise. Love and trust should be there always.

Really all married people or lovers or boyfriend/girlfriend, both partners should really learn from each other. It’s not just one partner will do all the adjusting and the understanding. It should go both ways. I can say more but I would like to hear from you guys. Feel free to share your thoughts.

Have a good Holiday Season!

November 6, 2014 by feyma

Drinking, when is enough?

I was reading on my kindle and looking at the cover of the book. I thought it’s about a dog. I guess it was really about the dog too, because the dog was helping them heal from heartache. Then when I started reading, it’s also about the kids who will be losing their dad. He was charged with (DUI) driving under the influence. It’s already his 4th felony. He will be sentenced to jail for 6 months. The kids, who are age 7 and 5, had no place to stay so they will be put to foster care. It used to be that the aunt took care of them when the dad was sent to jail from his previous felonies. She was just tired of him putting the alcohol first over his kids. So she told the brother that if he won’t straighten up that she will not take care of the kids anymore. So at the end it’s really the kids that got the raw deal. They don’t have anybody then at the end. Can you imagine a 7 year old taking care of himself and his younger sibling? Luckily a stranger with a dog went to the shop of the dad to have his motor home be fixed. The dad saw that the guy was nice. The stranger was a teacher. So he asked the stranger to take care of his kids for a few months. He did and it was not an easy decision for the stranger since he also had some problems to take care of himself. He just lost his son from drunk driver.

Drunk Driver

So it dawned on me, what if the situation would have been here in the Philippines, like the one I was describing on top. Would the family turn away those kids? In my mind I don’t think so, but who knows. If the family also would give a lesson to the father to not put the alcohol first over his kids. I was thinking with so many extended families here, I’m pretty sure one of the families will definitely take care of those kids. Or even the neighbors would probably offer to help out. I’m sure in America the neighbors will offer to help out too, but they’re also busy working and busy with their own lives. So really the kids there will be easily put to foster care. Here in the Philippines if nobody will take care of the kids, they could easily end up begging on the street. It’s really a pretty sad situation in both countries.

I’m not giving other example. I will give some members of my family as an example. One of my family was just so irresponsible with his wife and kids way back when I was younger. Of course the close family of the wife steps-in and took care of almost all their kids. It was hard for the parents of the wife watching their daughter being abused by their son-in-law. Let me tell you, it’s really hard to all of the family watching their sister being abuse by her husband. The brothers of the wife really wants to strangle the husband when his drunk. But the parents of the wife always said that it’s going to be the decision of the wife. All of the family were really hoping that she will leave the guy and go somewhere. But I think it show that love is blind. Some of my cousins really just wants to take care of him, I think you got the idea of what I meant by taking care. But it would never happened, because the parents of the lady, they would not allow the cousins be criminal. Later, when the kids of abusive guy and his wife got older. I think her husband got scared with the kids already. One of the kids that was raised by the parents of the wife and the other male kid threatens their dad that if he will be abusing their mom again that they will kill him. I think the husband got the message. He’s now a calm guy and just follow what his kids told him to do.

Another unending cycle not just the Philippines I guess but the world. I’ve seen too many people killed by drunk drivers. It’s just sad for the victims of the drunk driver and the people that they left behind especially the kids. I hope when those people drink they’re avoiding being behind on the wheels. Bob sister was one of the victim, she was hit by a drunk driver and died instantly. It was hard on Bob for so many years. The pain was there still until now.

Guys I’m not anti drinking or anything. It’s individuals choice or in other words to each his own. Just make sure you’re not hurting others at the end. Just drink moderately or have somebody drive for you or take a taxi!

Cheers!